A new report by The Derby Times has revealed that not one member of the Australian Liberal Party would survive a Willy Wonka tour.
The report utilised quantitative and qualitative data in an attempt to gain insight into how Australian politicians would fair, should they all win golden tickets to Mr. Wonka’s factory.
Results show that Christopher Pyne would likely turn into a giant blueberry, Barnaby Joyce would fall into a chocolate river and Peter Dutton would for sure fall down a garbage chute leading to a furnace.
Results also indicated that should One Nation’s Pauline Hanson attend the tour, she would likely meet some sort of horrible demise at the hands of foreign-labouring Oompa Loompa’s, due to her conspicuously evil nature.
One researcher summarised the findings.
“Yeah look results were pretty much consistent with our hypothesis, I mean they are all obviously the baddies of this story, Peter Dutton looks like Voldemort for fucks sake.”